Running Sucks!

I fell. I totally fell. I was doing really good. I only had one dog with me, Wyatt was at home with Byron, and there was a 30 minute time limit. I got half-way through my run, Duke by my side, The Killers pumping in my ipod, and then in happened. My very expensive, very well made $12 Target tennis shoes :P caught the edge of the sidewalk, and sent me flying forwards. The sidewalk of the Pueblo Park was designed by Satan himself. It is covered in razor sharp gravel that devours skin and leaves hamburger. Because of my speed, once my left knee hit the sidewalk, the momentum continued to push my knee across the pavement like cheese on a cheese grater. Yummy. Contrary to what my husband claims, I was not running like this:


But my knee does look like this:

and my thigh feels like its been jammed up into my hip, which means I need a chiropractor, stat! Fun times, fun times.

OK, so here's the new plan...

I've changed my way of thinking about this weight-loss thing. And before I explain it, I want you to know that I'm not totally ok with the change. I feel as though I am giving up a little, or cheating, and there is some guilt that is coming with that. But the original plans of losing 30 pounds was making me crazy. One mistake, and I was depressed and crying. I would punish myself and loathe myself if I ate tortilla chips. Side note: I'm pretty sure there is a hormonal issue here, and problems with dealing with failure, blah blah blah. One problem at a time. I wish I could say that I have had an awakening and have discovered a love of my body and who I am right now. Well, I'm here to tell you that is a load of crap. Bottom line is, I can no longer allow myself to be consumed with the thought of losing 30 pounds, losing 30 pounds, losing 30 pounds! Its driving me nuts, because you know what, I may never fully lose those 30 pounds. But I'm excercising everyday. Not just 20 minutes. But good hard working excersise for more than an hour. And I'm doing it in or near my home, and either with my child playing near me, riding his bike along with me, or sleeping soundly in the care of my husband. There are times that my hour workout takes me an hour and a half, because I need to give a good morning hug, or make breakfast, or help get the legos down. But if I need to be a good mom that is not 30 pounds less, then so be it. I surrender. I'd rather be chubby and with my son, then skinny and ignoring him.

OK, my new plan: 100 workout sessions. A session must be 30 minutes or more. A session can be running, walking, cardio, weights, swimming (not constantly though, 2 laps and I about died.). The scale is getting put away. Byron has been told to take it and hide it. I will weigh myself in a month. This may bite me in my big behind. I may weigh myself in a month and discover not a damn thing has changed. I'll deal with that if it comes. It may be in the form of a nervous breakdown, but I'll still deal with it. Once I accomplish 100 workouts, I will be purchasing my season passes for Wyatt and I to Disneyland, where I will go and eat a frozen banana.

I am worried about my diet, though. I haven't been able to find a way to measure or record if I have been eating healthy. And what do I do if I mess up? I'm still trying to work all that out.

So now, I just try to find enjoyment in my workouts, eat all the veggies I can fit onto my plate, and hope that its enough. Because, quite honestly, I have had enough!

Time to Regroup

I read this quote today:

“Last summer I complained to a non-Latter-day Saint friend that I was exhausted, having no fun, living like an automaton. Nonsympathetically, she countered, ‘What do you think this is? A dress rehearsal? This is your life, Carol. Fix it.’ I expected a pat and a kind word. Instead, I got a splash of reality square in the face. She was, of course, quite right. I wasn’t giving my life value, so I didn’t feel it had value. I went home, reread the parables of the sower and of the talents, and regrouped.” (A Singular Life, ed. Carol L. Clark and Blythe Darlyn Thatcher, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1987, pp. 35–36.)

Its time to regroup, create new goals and change old ones. Changes are coming...

I thinking of giving up...seriously.